Joshua King's Sphere of Thought

Final Post

2005-08-11T05:45:00.000-05:00

Final Post

The new journal is up and running (the xml blog shell anyway, the template comes next). You can view it at: http://kingsofdesign.net/journal

I hope you enjoy looking back on this blog in it's entirety as much as I do. It's amazing to read some of strange, beautiful, ugly, selfish and reflective things I've written for around a year.

Thanks everyone, and enjoy what once was. Here's to a look ahead.

The time is over

2005-07-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

Retiring

"The time has come, the song is over. Thought I'd something more to say." - Pink Floyd [Edited as per Craig's suggestion]

I'm officially retiring this blog. I just don't have the time or energy required to write in it anymore. Look for my new personal website coming soon, which will contain a live journal among other things.

To Be A Man

2005-05-24T01:56:00.000-05:00

To Be A Man

What does it mean to be a man?

There are few whom I consider to be great men. For the likes of men have been forever jaded in my mind by the flickering lights and romantification that Hollywood has brought to the western world.

A man fights for what he loves. A man hones his skill to use in service of mankind. A man speaks softly, and does not lose control. He respects his elders, and is a does not forget where he comes from. A man follows the old ways, and takes the new with a grain of salt. A man fears nothing, for he has faith to move a mountain, and hope in the love he shares.

A man does not fear death. For in death, there is only opportunity; Opportunity for honor, valor, and fulfillment. Yet, he is not quick to anger, or to charge into the fray. A man cherishes the wisdom that only time can bring, and acknowledges his weaknesses. It is in his weaknesses that his faith is made perfect, and in his humbleness that his resolve is forged like a steel blade.

The transition is near, I can feel it.

Technical Difficulties

2005-05-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

Technical Difficulties

I let my domain name registration slip....so until I get around to re-purchasing it, you'll have to look at broken images. It'll be up very soon, I just haven't had time because of my new job, new *cough* lady friend, and final exams.

It'll be back up soon...I promise!

Dreams

2005-04-25T02:41:00.000-05:00

Dreams

I was just sitting here thinking about God. In the Bible it tells us that God created us in his own image. Then I got to thinking about dreams, visions, and stuff like that.

We are God's dream. He dreamed us up, and created us.

What a thing to ponder...the dreams of God.

Are we the dream of this superior being?

We partake in the dreams of the Master of the universe. For we _are_ the dreams of the Master of the universe.

We're all dreams. So strange...

All Along

2005-04-24T03:59:00.000-05:00

All Along

My thoughts are swirling, and my heart is throbbing. My mind is aching, and my soul is yearning. For something more in this life have I longed, oblivious to it's presence before me.

Your biggest obstacle...

Your greatest fear...

Your worst dream...

Your darkest nightmare...

...is you.

Official Geek; Puppy Love

2005-04-17T01:03:00.000-05:00

Official Geek; Puppy Love

Yesterday, was the greatest day I've had in around 10 years I'd say. Why 10 you say? I don't know, it seemed like a nice round number.

Around a month ago, I applied for a position with the Geek Squad at Best Buy. Never thinking I would actually get the job, I filled out the necessary forms anyway. Thursday I got a message on my cell phone right before I closed the Library. It was Best Buy---they wanted me to come in for an interview! I called them right back, and we set it up for Friday (yesterday). It turns out, my big date with Melissa was Friday too! "I can't take this all in one day!" I said to myself. Well...

The interview(s) was a success, and my date with Melissa went well. To say it went "well" would be an understatement...It went EXTREMELY well. I dare say that I'm in love actually :-D, but you know you can't rush things like that. It's so strange...It seems like she was custom made just for me. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman and more. I'm so very happy to have had the guts to ask her out. I was so interested in hearing every little detail she had to tell me about her life, her family, her religion (Catholicism), and her schooling. Even though first dates are supposed to be going through the motions kind of shallow issue stuff, I didn't really feel bored or turned off. I _really_ wanted to hear everything she had to say. Why? I know why. Because she's genuine. She's the real deal. As my great grandmother would say, she's the "bees knees", LOL. Old people rock!

I picked her up right after I got out of my interview with the Geek Squad. I'm actually kind of glad I scheduled it right before I picked her up, because I felt like a million bucks after landing the job! I Took her to the Olive Garden. I didn't do the go-around-to-the-other-side-of-the-door-and-open-it-chivalrous thing, because once again, I didn't want to seem cheesy, or like I was trying to hard. When we finally got to the restaurant, we talked about anything and everything (but primarily our families). Usually I loathe first dates because of the shallow issues you must go through to get to know the _real_ person behind the mask, you know? I was enchanted by her the entire evening. She's the most _genuine_ girl I've ever met in my entire life. She wasn't putting on a front, she didn't have to. She was happy with who she was, and I was definitely happy with that too.

After dinner I thought it would be a good idea to take her back to my church. I definitely wasn't ready to take her home (she told me she felt the same way later, good sign!), so I thought "Hmm...I bet if I played her a couple songs she'd really like that, and it would make for a memorable first date; she could show me some of that classical piano training of hers too!" What a good idea it was! She played so beautifully. She was actually nervous, which I thought was hilarious because I'm the one who's always nervous on dates, LOL. She did marvelous, even if she didn't think so. Then I played her one of my favorite songs (with a romantic theme *wink*) "Love Song". I'm pretty sure she liked it ^_^. We talked a bit more, then headed back out to IUK so I could drop her off by her car to drive home. I don't believe in kissing on the first date, so I didn't push it. She let me know she would definitely be interested in a second date, and we told each other we had a blast. The final goodbyes were said, and she drove away. I called her a bit later, and we talked for over an hour it seemed.

Ok Josh cut to the chase...You babbling dork.

I'm very exited to have met someone like Melissa, whom I was all but convinced did not exist on the planet earth. I'm quite thrilled with my new postiion as a CIA Agent on the Geek Squad as well. Every comp. major in Kokomo wants to start there =p I'm very lucky.

I've prayed for so very long for God to provide guidance in my life. I would be naive to think yesterday wasn't a gift from him. It's quite possible I'm the happiest man on earth today ~_^

Ow! I feel good! LOL

Ow! I Feeeeeeeel Good!

2005-04-14T17:24:00.000-05:00

Ow! I Feeeeeeeel Good!

OW!

I FEEL GOOD! nanananananan

Knew that I would....nananananananan

I FEEEEEEEl GOOD! nananananannaan

I knew that I would now....

SO GOOD! DUN DUN!

SO GOOD! DUN DUN!

Cause I got you! Dun dun da da DA!!! OWWWW!!!!!!

LOL, I'm an idiot. However...today I'm a happy idiot! WHOOHOO! I don't even know why, Izn't zat weird? If you look at my previous posts, you'll see that I've been kinda down for reasons unknown. Then I remembered how happy I should be to be alive, to be healthy, and to have a million friends and family members who love me and want me to succeed. Sure not everything is going great, but that's life DAGGONE IT! LOL

The weather is beautiful, my future is bright, love is in the air, and I am truly blessed.

How do you guys stand reading all those depressing posts? Ugh...just don't read this anymore. LOL

I get to take Melissa out tommorrow....FUN FUN! Should I take her bowling too? Hmm...maybe I should save that for another time. Decisions, decisions!

LATA!

Thoughts At Work

2005-04-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

Thoughts At Work

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rain?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

- Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd

The Library is completely vacant right now. Would someone drop a pin, I could hear it. Chad just went on break, so I'm all alone.

Do you ever feel like you're supposed to do something grand with your life, but you're trapped by your current circumstances? I wonder what the point of doing something wonderful would be anyway, since everything eventually turns to dust, and all is forgotten with time. I know being happy is all that matters. Being happy in the moment, living your life fully from day to day. I feel...I feel like I'm not doing that.

Melissa came to see me during her class break a bit ago. I want to ask her so many things. I want to tell her so many things too...but things have only just begun, and the motions must be gone through. I'm taking her to Olive Garden Friday evening. I was going to take her to a nicer place (the Sycamore grill), but I thought it was too high-end for a first date, you know? I don't want her to think I'm trying to hard or anything like that. She's really a sweet girl, and I know already I'm going to like her. I only hope she'll like me too. I want to be myself around her, and vice versa. You'd think I'd be used to this routine by now, but she makes me feel a bit different. She's...intelligent. She has high standards and an even higher set of morals (From what I can tell so far anyway). She's everything that anyone I've ever dated in the past was not. She challenges me, that's the whole deal.

I've decided that this summer, I shall claim freedom from classes. I've gone for 2 straight years (summers included) of school, and I'm about to lose my mind. I need this, if nothing else for my sanity. Dating (hopefully Melissa), the band, full-time job (preferably one outside), physical training (To test my endurance. Still thinking about going into Military Intelligence for the Army or Airforce as an Officer), and memories...memories above all else. These are the reasons for my decision. I'll graduate eventually, this I know. I'm nearly through, though the light at the tunnel seems so dim...it's there.

My family and friends all think I'm wonderful, I know that. So why is it that I constantly feel like a failure?

I guess I'll never live up to my own expectations. Ugh...

By The Light of My T.V. Screen

2005-04-07T02:24:00.000-05:00

By The Light of My T.V. Screen

I woke up today in a daze. Is this life? What do I do next? Get up, take a shower, go to school. It feels like I've been doing nothing but "training" for sooo long now. I'm ready to get out there; to show the world what Joshua King can do.

Anyway, my birthday was great. I got lots of presents, clothes, gift certificates, etc. I went to see my father, but my car ran out of gas on the way over. That kind of stuff never happens to me, lol, guess I've been preoccupied with my thoughts lately. By far my fav. present was a very sentimental letter a female friend of mine wrote to me, explaining in detail what I meant to her. I'm always a sucker for stuff like that!

I don't feel like writing much tonight, so I'll make a list of stuff that has happened, or that I have been doing.

1. Chad, Brad, and I opened up for local Christian rock band, Last One Standing on Saturday at Indian Heights Grace Church. We were really well received, and were invited to open for them anytime we wanted.

2. I had the transmission, EGR Valve/Pipes, Tires, Brakepads, and some minor other issues with my car completely fixed. Cost me 1,000, and I'm not done yet. Gotta fix the top, and do some body work. I'm going to completely restore this thing for the summer.

3. Last Sunday, I was left in charge of the Worship Team while Nancy was away. I picked some songs that I thought everyone would like, and took the lead as strong as I could muster with what I had to utilize. I believe the congregation was touched, and we really enjoyed playing those songs, even though Satan seemed to be working against us the entire time. Sound problems, bad attitudes....if you let all that stuff roll off your shoulder by seeing the bigger picture, you're better off.

4. School has been stressing me out! AHH! So much do, so little time!

5. I didn't ask out the computer services help desk girl...but I decided to make more conversation with her to feel her out a bit more. I let her borrow a Third Day CD, and she told me the day that it wasn't her "cup of tea", but that she appreciated Mac Powell's southern voice, because she likes country music. Now those of you who know me, know of my deep loathing of country music...but doesn't that figure? It's supposed to work that way I guess; I'm fond of the curveballs life throws my way. Anyway, she's a bit shy, so I thought it would've been bad to have been so foward so soon. I believe Friday is when I'll make my move, but no promises.

And that's about it. Time to sleep!

Feelin' Fine!

2005-04-01T11:17:00.000-06:00

Feelin' Fine!

I had to blog this right away, because I feel so wonderful! The cute girl who works in the Computer Services Helpdesk area across from me came in today. I decided I would go over and ask her about music, or try to start some sort of conversation, because I'm really curious about her. We talked about the Catholic church, music, guitars, Christian bands, and our views about various things. She told me she's graduating this semester, and she's only 20! By God, I've found the perfect woman. A woman who understands music, and talks computer code! Every geek reading this right now is drooling, lol

She's radiant, full of love, and beautiful. I'm very happy right now, and I'm very sure I'm going to ask her out on Monday, when I promised I'd let her borrow one of my Third Day DVD's.

YAY!

LOL

Faust

2005-04-01T09:06:00.000-06:00

Faust

"Philosophy have I digested,
The whole of Law and Medicine,
From each its secrets have I wrested,
Theology, alas, thrown in.
Poor fool, with all this sweated lore,
I stand no wiser than I was before.
Master and Doctor are my titles;
For ten years now, without repose,
I've held my erudite recitals
And led my pupils by the nose.
And round we go, on crooked ways or straight,
And well I know that ignorance is our fate,
And this I hate.
I have, I grant, outdistanced all the others,
Doctors, pedants, clergy and lay-brothers;
All plague of doubts and scruples I can quell,
And have no fear of devil or of hell,
And in return am destitute of pleasure,
knowing that knowledge tricks us beyond measure,
That man's conversion is beyond my reach,
Knowing the emptiness of what I teach."

- Goethe, Faust - The Tragedy

To My Wife

2005-04-01T01:20:00.000-06:00

To My Wife

I went off into my mind for a bit tonight, hope nobody thinks I'm too terribly strange. This is how I invision meeting my future wife I suppose. I'll make her the happiest woman in the world, you better believe it.

Do you remember that spring day, I sat next to you on the park bench? You had on that green frilly dress, and you were waiting for your friends. I don't think I noticed your beauty at first, because I was so wrapped up in my sorrows. And then...then you smiled at me. My world of grey had been painted by the radiance of that smile. "Can she be the one?" I asked myself. "Or are you just lonely again Josh." Your friends came to pick you up, and I waved goodbye.

Do you remember when I ran into you at the grocery store? I was so excited to see you again, but I didn't want things to be weird. So I accidentally bumped into your cart (heh), I guess I thought that would be inconspicious enough. And then came your smile. That smile that ran through my mind since our last meeting that day in the park. I wanted so badly then to touch your face, and hold you forever. "I have to say something," I kept telling myself. "Hello again!" you said, with your underrated midwestern voice. "Sorry, uh, I guess I'm a Clutz. Maybe I need ballet lessons?" I said in a hurry, trying to think of something clever, yet obviously failing. Ballet lessons? Great Josh, now she'll swoon for sure. You politely giggled and waved goodbye. I had blown it again...but at least I got to see you. At least, I got to see your smile.

Do you remember when I waved to you in chemistry class? "What luck!" I thought, as I spotted your face in the crowd of new students. "I can't sit by her though, she'll think I'm a stalker or something". Did you notice how shocked I was when you came to sit by me? "The guy from the park right? I remember you!" My heart raced with excitement and joy. What should I say, how do I say it? I hope she doesn't think I'm an idiot, I gotta play this just right. "Yeah", I said. "That's me alright." I couldn't seem to pull myself together in front of you. You were my Venus, what could I say that could possibly impress you? You were beautiful, radiant, happy...all of the things I was sorely lacking. "Is that all your going to say?" you said to me in a playful voice. "I...uh...", by now I was mumbling unintelligently. "I just wanted to say hello silly," you said. "Maybe we can be friends. I don't really know anyone since I'm new around here." If only you could've felt the feeling of hope, happiness, and wonder coursing through my entire body in that moment, I'm sure you would've exploded (God knows I nearly did).

Do you remember our first kiss? We had been making fun of each other all night at the movies, at dinner, and in the car. You're so much fun to be around, I loved everything you did. Every breath and every dumb joke. Even all those stories about your childhood. It was raining that night, and we laughed at some silly joke I told as we ran out of the car under the shelter of your roof. Did we even have to think about it really? I believe we knew deep down, that we should kiss right then and there. I remember how wet the flannel shirt you stole from my closet was when I wrapped my arms around you. Your long hair was so drenched, your make up had all come off...and I loved you more than ever. Did it seem short to you? Maybe I just wanted it to last longer. I had kissed other girls before, but you were my first real kiss...and I knew it then and there.

Do you remember when I asked you to marry me? You know I don't like the big fancy public displays, so I asked you one night while I held you on my couch in the dark. Your hair smelled so lovely that night, kind of like strawberries. It felt so right holding you there in that moment, just like all the moments before. I thought I would be scared to ask you, but I wasn't. Why should I be, afterall? We were meant to be. We both knew that. You said yes. You said...yes. Forty thousand butterflies flapped around in my stomach, tears came down my face, and the walls...those walls I had put up around my heart for so very long, fell down. All the love I had stored, waiting for you, poured out that night. I couldn't contain myself, I didn't care if you thought I was weak, or weird. I wanted you to know that I loved every bit of you right then and there. Do you remember how tightly I held you? I didn't want to let go, not then, and not ever.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

God has given me the gift he's promised. The gift I thought would never come, now stands before me. I love you, and thank you for loving me.

Alone

2005-03-31T11:59:00.000-06:00

Alone

I woke up with a massive headache this morning, and a lot on my mind (not a very good combination). I went to Windfall last night and watched Resevoir Dogs with Chad and Brad, and then we played games and talked crap all night like we always do. Resevoir Dogs, like Quentin Tarentino's other films, was one of the greatest movies I've ever seen. Dialog driven, out of order, memorable characters, who all tie in to each other some way, some how. I would love to be a writer/director someday like Tarentino. He has complete artistic freedom as far as I'm concerned.

About what's on my mind though.

I need love. I need it RIGHT NOW. I don't care about sex, I don't care about any of that, I seriously don't. I just want someone who will lay her head on my chest and watch movies with me. Someone I can drive with at night, and talk about the first thing that comes to my mind. I want someone who will let me touch her face, and hold her hand. I want love so very badly. I'm not the kind of person who can handle being alone, I realize this now. I see myself getting older, and it scares me to think that my options might become limited. All the truly wonderful girls in my life have been snatched up by douche bags, or morons with delusions of grandeur. What the HECK is wrong with me!? Why do I only attract psychos!?

Calm down Josh...

I'm just...I'm just tired of being alone, that's all.

Monopoly

2005-03-25T00:15:00.000-06:00

Monopoly

Today was nice and relaxing. I got to sleep in, that's a great way to start things off. About 6:30, I took communion with my family at Church. There was a great big table set in the middle of the sanctuary with communion juice and the communion bread, along with many other decorations. Our family was by far the largest of all the families to take communion. As I sat there in the candlelit sanctuary, at the table with all the members of my family, I really thanked God at that moment. In the crowd I could see people sitting alone, or with very few. I truly am blessed, and I realize this.

After Church, we went to Fazzoli's and then headed to Biz's house for a game of Monopoly. Here are some pics I took tonight on my camera phone!

This is Rachel at Fazzoli's. Her humor is much like mine, and she's really sweet. I call her my little "polar bear".

This is my cousin Abigail at Fazzoli's. I absolutely love her, even when she's mad at me. How could you not love anyone with a beautiful smile such as hers? (She'll hate me for putting this on here, lol)

This is Biz at Fazzoli's. There's really not another way to describe Biz except loving, and hilarious. We went to her house afterwards to play Monopoly.

This is Jessica at Fazzoli's. She too is hilarious and loving. Tonight she told me I had "beautiful veins". I was like "ok...". LOL, she cracks me up.

This is Jada, once again at Fazzoli's. She looks like she wants to hurt someone, lol.

A fierce game of monopoly ensues! Now if you know our history of late night monopoly games, you'll know that I have never lost a single game. (We've played many, many times). Well tonight ladies and gentlemen...the giant was slain. JADA FREGGIN BEAT ME!

This is my losing face. Nice huh? LOL

This is Jada showing us all the money SHE GOT LUCKY ENOUGH TO WIN! GRR! Man she landed on free parking like 9000 times in a row, and everyone landed on her hotel in St. James place like 40 billion times! Totally not fair! ARGH!

Anyway, much fun was had by all. I have to open up the library tommorrow at 7:55.....so I better get some sleep.

How I Feel

2005-03-20T21:17:00.000-06:00

How I Feel

Today was a wonderful day. I woke up dreading church, then I got there and I was ticked off because our drummer and other singer were late for practice again (30 minutes late). Then when we actually got around to practicing, the worship leader had my songs all jacked up. I had the wrong chords for 2 songs, and the wrong lyrics for another. On top of all that, they took my guitar out of the sound system, because it was last on their "soldiering" list. It made me extremely angry to tell you the truth, but I believe I hid it well. Except for when I jumped on the sound guy for complaining about people being too loud. You're the sound guy moron, FIX IT! Ugh. LOL, I'm gonna get worked up again.

Well anyway, I stayed at church all day to prepare for the Easter singspiration. Everyone had a wonderful time. I got to play three times in total. The first time, I accompanied my friend Chad on guitar, while he sang "God of Wonders". I sang during the chorus too. The second time, I sang "You're Everywhere" by Third Day, with some help from Chad on drums, and Rachel on back-up vocals. Everyone loved it, because it's a naturally beautiful song. Last, the worship team was called back up to perform "He Reigns" by the newsboys. You would think everyone would be tired after hearing songs from so many people...But they weren't! There was an energy and spirit in that place I haven't felt in a LOOOONG time. I loved everyone there so much tonight, I felt like part of a great big family. That's the way church is supposed to be I suppose.

Tomorrow I must go back to school *cry*. Spring break is over, and the pain must begin again. I don't have anything profound to say, other than I'm really happy right now ^_^

Remember, I can only truly tell you how I feel!

Melancholy

2005-03-19T20:02:00.000-06:00

Melancholy

I had my feelings hurt for the first time in many years tonight. It didn't last very long, but it was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. I suppose I have this wall where nobody can offend me if I don't really know them, so that's why it took someone very close to me to do it.

I'm definitely overreacting, I know that. But it still doesn't change the fact that my feelings were hurt. At least I know they're still there. It kind of feels good to know that I can still feel sometimes, even if it is negative.

I have lots of homework to do, and little time to do it. I'm also expected to perform at the singspiration tomorrow, so I better get working on a song. Since I'm very melancholy, I believe I'll pick a selection that reflects that, so I can be as genuine as possible.

Selfish

2005-03-18T23:17:00.000-06:00

Selfish

I realized today, that artists can't tell someone who they are. They can't tell someone where they're going in life. All they can tell you, is how they feel. Probably explains the mood swings and mind changes huh? lol

Why is it that I genuinely don't like the human race? I know that it's not my place to judge others, and that there are a few on this planet for whom I would gladly die...but the majority of them are just flawed, self-serving, lichenthropes, out for number one. It makes me very sad to think of a planet full of living, breathing viruses sometimes. I can wake up, put on my clothes, head to the mall and sit down. Walking past me I would see a girl donned in the latest trendy apparel. I can see another male teenager with a truck driver hat, walking with his friends, all the same.

Victims of media, victims of thought perversion.

A man is walking down the tile now, bickering wife behind him. He's complaining that he feels smothered, that he doesn't have enough "tom" time. She feels the same way, and they ponder divorce.

Selfish people, unwilling to step outside themselves and look at the bigger picture, or their forgotten children.

I don't know...people just suck.

Why did I even blog this?

And The World Don't Stop

2005-03-17T13:17:00.001-06:00

And The World Don't Stop

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the life we lead as humans. The human experience...it's something really to be exalted. The stories I've come to love; the stories I've felt touched by as a child...they were so different, but so alike at the same time. The lifes we lead, the love we acquire, the trials we may have to face along the road (or rickety rope bridge) to get to where we as humans perceive success to lie. I love a good story...yes I do. Stories of love, of loss, of adventure, magic and epic battles. I never can seem to stray from the tried and true plot lines you see shared in just about every great novel and movie throughout the history of time. Is it worth pursuing "uniqueness", or is it far more rewarding to follow the formulas of the greats? I'm not really sure, but I know what I love. I love the classic stories, the beautiful tales that stir up in us the very feelings that make us human in the first place.

On a lighter note, I've switched my major to computer information systems. I'm done, no more switching. It's what I'm good at, and It's what I can finish the quickest. It only makes sense to pursue something of that nature at this particular crossroads in my life. It should only take me around 3 more semesters, and then....then my story will begin. I wonder where life will take me.

I've been pondering a lot on the reasons why I long so much for human interaction. Why is it that I want to get to know everyone I meet? Why do I fall in love with any girl who shows me the slightest bit of interest...so very easily. Why is it, that I'm looking around frantically for a woman to love me as much as I love her at this time in my life? Well...I can only imagine the answer to the last question, is that the other members of my family got married so young, and started their families right away. They are happy, and I suppose I want that very same happiness in my life. However, I've realized by following their mentality, I've done exactly what I swore in my youth never to do...and that is to be anything but true to myself, and my own thoughts. I must be Joshua King, and do/think what Joshua King would do/think.

I've been doing lots of artwork on my computer, thinking upon the story I'm doing research on to create. I've all but mastered a program called Adobe Photoshop CS, and I'm very close to mastering another set of programs called Macromedia MX Studios. These are the 2 most powerful web/graphic design programs on the face of the earth currently, and for the time being, they offer me peace of mind in my never-ending thirst for creative growth. I've also created my very first flash animation movie, which you can view here. It's very cheesy, but it's supposed to be that way (it's my first movie, give me a break! lol). You'd have to understand Final Fantasy VII in order to even understand it for the most part.

Anyhow, I'll try and update a bit more in the future. There's just been too much going on lately. To all who read this, pray for my ever declining sanity. Mucho gracias.

Vacation Photos

2005-03-09T13:38:00.000-06:00

Vacation Photos

The following pictures were taken on my camera phone over the weekend. I went with my grandparents, aunt & uncle, and my cousins to Holiday Inn Select in Indianapolis. It had an indoor waterpark called "Carribean Cove", and lots of foozeball, pool, spas, etc all over the place! We also did a few things in the surrounding areas. It was very nice to get a way for a while. Anyway, I thought I would share some of the photos I took on my phone. Here they are!

This is a picture of the bed I slept in. Excited yet?

This is a pic of the grand staircase in the lobby of the hotel. I thought it was cool...so I took a pic. Shut up.

This was a piano that played jazz and classical music by itself in the lobby. If you look really hard you can see a dummy propped up behind it. Abby thought he was real (she's a special child...)

This is my uncle Scott, and cousin Malachi taking a swim in the pool.

Here I am with my grandma, right before we head to the pool. I look kind of retarded, but then again...I always do.

Here's my aunt Angie swimming with my cousin Elijah.

LOL, this one cracks me up. It's a picture of malachi by the pool. He's soooo ready to go back to the room and sleep.

This is Elijah sleeping at the table of Texas Roadhouse. I thought it looked funny with all the empty bottles around him, kind of like he passed out drunk or something, lol.

Here we can see Malachi eating his favorite two things in the entire world (believe me, he tells everyone). Mashed patatoes and macaroni and cheese! MMM mmm!

This is a picture of some of the tickets I won in the arcade. I hit the jackpot on this machine 2 times in a row! I won around 1300 tickets. The arcade manager said he had never seen anyone do that before. I gave all my tickets to the kids, cause I guess I'm supposed to be a grown man now or something.

This is the starfish I won my mother at the arcade. It has the name of the waterpark on it, so I figured it would be a good souvenir. It's kinda cute with those beedy eyes ^_^

We had an absolute blast, even though I was pretty sick (tried to hide it the best I could though). My favorite part of the trip, was when I got to beat the living crap out of my uncle Scott at ping pong. Man did he suck it big time. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the photos. See ya later.

Sick Yet Productive

2005-03-05T18:03:00.000-06:00

Sick...Yet Productive

Today I've been reeling from a cold I've acquired God knows where...

But I've had time to finish up on all the tutorials I wanted to go through in Photoshop CS. As a result, I was able to create a splendid piece of art, and use it for practical purposes right away.

I submitted the template to the world's largest online art community, deviantart.com. I'm very excited to see what users say about my creation. If all goes well, this could turn into a very profitable business for me. I won't deny the fact that I have a knack for this sort of thing, it just comes naturally.

Tommorrow I'm supposed to go to Indianapolis with my relatives to a huge hotel/waterpark that's completely indoors. Should be fun, provided my grandfather doesn't kill us all on the way there (who's idea was it for me to drive with him again?).

Happinness

2005-03-01T00:16:00.000-06:00

Happinness

What exactly does happiness constitute? Does happiness mean...that I will never have anymore problems? Of course that's not what it means...what planet do you live on!? Does happiness mean lots of things to satisfy our needs and wants? Hmm....getting closer I think, but something's not quite right. I know! Happiness is found in fast cars, big houses, and beautiful women! BZZZZZ! Wrong again I'm afraid!

King Solomon says that true happiness is to enjoy the moment. To live with all of your essence and being from day to day.

I realize looking back through this blog that I've changed my mind on so very many things. From career choices and college majors, to my ideas on religion and even family. One thing is certain in my world of uncertainty...God has blessed me with the ability to simply enjoy my life here on earth from day-to-day.

I used to have an obsession with becoming an actor when I was younger. I thought if everyone could see me on the big screen, then surely I would become immortalized forever in the hearts and minds of men. Nobody would forget me! The truth is, actors come and go, and everything is forgotten in time. Once I realized that, I began to think "Well...I'll just have to live my life like I'm in the movies every single day!". Maybe a silly philosophy to live by, but I try and think that way. ALl of our lives are so immensily important Yesterday, Today, Right now and Tommorrow!

King Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes after he received divine wisdom from God himself, the greatest any man had ever been given. His message was to live in the moment, and enjoy life. Seriously, how much more profound can you get?

I'll leave you with a lyric from a John Melloncamp song:

Your life is now
Your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Lift your head up above the crowd
We would shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now

Oooh wait I know another one too! The Verve:

Happinness, more or less
Is just a change in me, it's something in my liberty
Happinness, coming and going
I watch you look at me, I watch my fever go and I know
Just who I am
How many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn?
All the love I have is in my mind

Project Destiny

2005-02-25T18:31:00.000-06:00

Project Destiny

Since very early last year (check my previous blog entries), I've longed to create a world all my own. To mold characters that become something more....something special to those who come to know them. I want to tell stories of love and loss, of courage in the face of certain doom, of unimaginable beasts, of hero's and villains! This is my chance, now that I've completely abandoned video games of all sorts, I have tons of time on my hands to realize my full creative potential. I will use these sets of goals to obtain the artistic freedom I want so badly: Project Destiny. Here are some of the things I will need complete.

1. I will forego the band I wanted to start this summer.

2. I will concentrate on creating my own fictional world. I will include maps, characters, languages, races, planets, atmosphere, etc, etc.

3. I will write an epic adventure for several characters to partake in within my newly created fictional world.

4. I will change my major to Computer Information Systems (No foreign language req, and my required comm. minor will already be taken care of).

5. I will dedicate much time to the mastery of Adobe Photoshop CS 8, and to Macromedia Studios MX.

6. I will turn joshking.net into a progress site for project destiny.

7. I will learn how to draw manga very well, and begin to sketch the characters.

8. I will produce an online web-comic in order to test the market for my newly created fictional piece.

9. I will publish the results in many media forms. Hopefully Anime, Video Games, CD's (musical compositions inspired by the fictitious world), who knows...maybe a movie one day.

10. I will vigorously study C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, and what comprises their success in creating their own unique and dynamic fictitious worlds.

Band Name

2005-02-24T15:42:00.000-06:00

Band Names

Here are some possible band names I've come up with so far. People have had mixed reactions, so I'm really at my wit's end trying to choose one. Read the list below, and post on the message board which one is your favorite.

Captain Awesome & The Your Moms - HAHAHA, this one's just a joke, had to post it.

Lamp - Chad likes this one, go figure.

LNR - Stands for "Life is Not a Rehearsal". Just thought it up.

Love - I like this one, but not everyone does

Lyric - Just came up with this not too long ago.

Well there you have it. Right now I'm leaning with Lyric or Love. Truthfully I don't even care about the name, as long as the music's good. Anyway, post your preference on the board if you want to help me out. Later!

In the Stars

2005-02-24T15:13:00.000-06:00

In the Stars

I can't tell her what I really see in her eyes
And if she asks me, what should I say?

She lives life like in the movies
She's waiting for the violins to play

Ears fall deaf upon her tales of woe
For too many times have they crossed our paths

You won't find the answers in the arms of strangers
You'll only incur wrath

So please take the time to think about what you do
Take the time to think about who you are

Look at the sky so very blue
And find yourself in the stars

Just another random muse I felt like writing. Gotta get this stuff outta my head while it's their.

Space

2005-02-23T23:40:00.000-06:00

Space

Floating out here, you know it's kind of cold
Yeah, but it's pretty cool
Never growing old

Big blue fades to black
The stars shine bright
With the man off my back

Space ain't so bad
I'll ride a coment
And go where no one has

I've had enough of your ways
I'm blasting off into space
To a place only I know

You'll never find me here, You can't see me
You'll never come close, I'm invisible.

You can't reach this high.

Just a poem that kinda came outta my head tonight. Maybe i'll turn it into a song or something, who knows.

Are You Ever Gonna Save Me?

2005-02-22T01:22:00.000-06:00

Are You Ever Gonna Save Me?

I've decided to get to work on the 8 original songs I need in order to play with a band this summer. I came up with this one tonight, but you can't really get a good sense of it until you hear the music that accompanies it, very sad/melodic/creepy. It's really cool, and makes you think.

[Progression - 4/4 Time]: Bbm - Ab - Gb - Ab

[Guitar]: Half distorted, picked during verse, strummed during chorus

[Bass]: Same notes as guitar during verse, something funky during the chorus

[Drums]: Lots of bass, high-hat and snare action. Use toms when trasitioning into the chorus.

Verse 1

Hello again, do you remember me?
I'm the man down on his luck, without a family
I begged and pleaded for a love to call my own
But you just smiled and walked away, and left me in the cold

Verse 2

I saw your downcast face, and your fading smile
I know that I'm a disgrace, I'm not worth your while
Did you read the sign that I held, or hear the words I said?
Walk on and turn away, tommorrow I'll be dead.

Chorus

Whoa! Are you ever...gonna save me?
Whoa! Are you ever...gonna save me?

Verse 3

Hello again, do you remember me?
I am the son of man, sacrificed on Calvary
I gave my life, to prove my love for all
Manifest me in your life, by catching those who fall

Chorus

Guitar Solo

Chorus x 2

I still have to do lots of tweaking to the song, as well as write the drum and bass parts, but that's already done in my head. Getting it on paper is another matter...

Keep ya updated soon.

Cheesy Testimonial Time

2005-02-19T01:30:00.000-06:00

Cheesy Testimonial Time

The Then

My father's entire family was destroyed because of his personal struggle with lust. His wife divorced him, and spiraled off into a bad marriage followed by several social problems. His youngest son found comfort in the arms of his peers. He doused his anger in alchohol, and lit his confusion aflame with drugs. And I...I don't know what happened to me. The years that followed the aftermath of my father's decision were very dark times. I remember going to bed some days and feeling absolutely nothing...I was so cold back then. What affected me most was the utter state of confusion I was seemingly inable to escape. Though I had several health problems (asthma, etc), I had a million friends. I was happy with who I was, and I looked foward to getting up every day to conquer the world. I could do anything and everything, the world was going to know my name...

Until confusion set in that is.

Because I was forced to live with my grandparents after my mother remarried, I wondered who could really truly love me if my own mother couldn't. I was angry, I was sad...but above all, I wanted to prove to them that I was worth something! Nobody could cast me aside like I was nothing, I'm Joshua King, and I'm going to show the world that nothing will stand in my way. At some point during my stay with my grandparents, I developed a wall that would put Berlin's to shame. I was so driven to prove my worth in the eyes of others, that I simply _would not allow_ anyone to get close to me, because that would eliminate the possibility of failure. A harmful and unhealthy process of learning all the things I thought were "cool" abilities began to develop. I played my guitar ceaselessly in my room until my fingers were raw. I wrote songs, and learned several more instruments as well. In my eyes the most sucessful people on earth were musicians, so why not?

After an unhealthy stint of learning the ups and downs of music at the sacrifice of my social life and highschool activities, I joined several bands and travelled all over Indiana. I wasn't doing what I did for God...I was doing it for acceptance. I found solace in the nameless faces I viewed on stage. I could make them smile without knowing them, the perfect combination. Things were good for me on the outside. Whatever wasn't on the inside, I shoved into a corner with elaborate lies I poured from my brain into my heart.

To save time, I will tell you that a few years later my mother divorced her new husband. I forgave her, though it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do.

The Now

Now I am nearly 22 years old. A far cry from the 15 year old boy with so many worries and woes. I live with my mother whom I love more than anyone on earth, and have forgiven my father for what he has done in the past. My brother is currently in jail, reeling from several decisions he made in his life. I love him as a brother, but as a friend more than anything else (nobody makes me laugh like him, we're the best together!). I have broken down the walls I put up as a young adult with the help of God, and council from the wiser members of my family. Today I am a very happy person, who knows he has come through much with the help of others. I have many to thank for the sucess I've enjoyed thus far in my life. I could not have done it without their help. As I sit here writing this very sentence, fond memories of my Uncle Scott & Aunt Angie flood my mind. I'm also seeing my grandfather laughing, saying "Josh, you should date a girl every day of the week, what's wrong with you!? That's how we did it in my day...you kids don't get it." HAHA, man I love that guy. My mother, who has done everything she can to prove her love and affection for me, who has sacrificed nearly everything she has for her two sons, and...is the strongest person I know of on the face of the earth. I love my mother, she's quite a woman.

The Synopsis

I fully understand that many people have the same trials and tribulations in their lives. There are many who have had some even worse than I have. However, these experiences are who I am, and they have molded me into the very man I am today. I have come a very long way with the help of God and my family, and I cannot wait to see what he does with my life next. If he can use a fragile little asthmatic from a poor broken home to further His kingdom and bring hapiness to the lives of others, then he can surely use most anyone.

What a great thing it is to truly believe something, and watch that thing work in your life.

I love my family, and I love God. I'm a lucky man, whose blessings are far to numerous to count. Thank you God, thank you God.

Consuming Fire

2005-02-16T20:44:00.000-06:00

Consuming Fire

I've been very happy lately, emotionally and physically. I feel I've reached a certain level of self-actualization that's reaping many rewards. I've been able to enjoy myself all day with my friends, family, and even schoolmates...a revelation that I wish I could've come to much, much earlier.

Tonight I tried a new song on the youth, "Consuming Fire" by my favorite (and often abused) Christian band, Third Day. I think it was the best performance Chad and I have given in quite a while. Afterword, our youth paster paid us a dear compliment. "I've never heard such a full sound come out of two guys before. You guys rock!"

Truth is, we don't rock. Then again, in my pysche the bar of "true rock" is very, very high, set by the likes of Jimmy Page, U2, and Third Day themselves.

I've been asking God to use me to build his kingdom, earnestly, and as he sees fit. In my discipleship class, we learned God is very pleased when we ask anything of him in this manner. I've been asking him to specifically use the musical talents he's blessed me with for the good of others, and to fuel the consuming fire inside my worn heart.

I've a passion for showing others happiness, for showing others how to live a full life, a life with their eyes open. I believe music to be the channel necessary to convey that message so that it lasts, so that it's real.

RAMBLE ON!

Follow Me On This One

2005-02-13T19:51:00.000-06:00

Follow Me On This One

I was pondering today on a job I could get that would benefit me greatly, allow me much disposable income, and allow me the security I so greatly desire.

Dentistry.

I know, it doesn't sound like something you'd exactly picture me doing in your mind...but It's got some great benefits.

1. Pays well.
2. Job Security (People are always gonna get their teeth out of whack!)
3. Opportunity for a private practice.
4. Mary Ladd's father is a dentist.... (ok so maybe that's a bad reason)

Anyway, according to the ADA (American Dental Association), all I have to do is get an undergraduate degree in any discipline, and then take the DAT (Dental Admissions Test). The test cost $165, and takes half a day (according to the ADA's website). It is administrated online, and is multiple choice.

There are several books available that help you prepare for the test, and you're supposed to plan for it about a year before you graduate (which is next semester for me, ahh!).

This is definately something to pray about. I truly believe I could devote myself to this trade, this discipline, raise a Godly family, and keep up my musical endeavors at the same time.

Perhaps I've finally found a realistic goal to set for myself? This is definately something to pray about.

Tools of Artistic Freedom

2005-02-09T22:10:00.000-06:00

Tools of Artistic Freedom

I've decided to spend my money over the next year acquiring these two tools of artistic freedom. They are literally the best of the best, and I will settle for nothing less.

I can't decide on which color gibson les paul studio to get however. The one I think I'll buy isn't even pictured there, it's white with gold hardware. I like the red with gold hardware one pictured too though. Decisions, decisions!

Gibson Les Paul Studio

This guitar is the best of the best. It's what Slash, Joe Perry, and Jimmy Page all play, and the one I like the most. That's reason enough for me right there.

Marshal JCM Triple Super Lead 100

This amplifier is the biggest, baddest sounding amplifier to ever hit the market. It's highs are really high, and it's lows are really low. You can play any style with this amp, and it will sound perfect. There's nothing quite like a Marshall, all my favorite guitar heros use it...so shall I! Did I mention it has 3 independant channels for EQ? You can't beat that, you just can't!

Time Lost

2005-02-08T23:35:00.000-06:00

Time Lost

Tonight is a night of mixed emotions. There are many things in my life that I enjoy, but some of them are starting to encroach upon others. I am slowly starting to realize that I have to grow out of a phase I so desperately want to stay in. No longer can I rationalize playing video games or computer games. I do not gain anything from them except an escape from reality, and additional chances to procrastinate.

King Solomon said "When I became a man, I left childish things behind me". I think now that time has finally come. My destiny is a tremendous one, one that requries me to devote myself to many disciplines apparently. If I am to draw out whatever hidden force lies dormant with in me, I must utilize my time to enhance my already God given abilities to their maximum extent.

I know that I am artistic, musically inclined, and good with people. My mother gave me the ability to spread love, and have fun with just about anyone I come in contact with.

So for now, I will use my extra time to devote myself to music. I will bring Kokomo something it desperately needs. Love...and rock n' roll.

Where I'm At

2005-02-08T13:53:00.000-06:00

Where I'm At

My attitude is changing drastically. I'm gonna have to change the blog design again to reflect this =p

I'm thinking of an artistic approach, maybe watercolors or cutouts.

Then again, I like black and red, maybe i'll go with guitars. Anyway, I think I'm much more of a fun go getter type person now, so I'll reflect this in the future with the design of the blog. I haven't had much time to update, because I've been so busy moving and doing the school/work thing.

I need to blog, if nothing else because I can't have all these crazy thoughts swimming around in my head all the time. It's dangerous for me, and even more dangerous for you.

Be back soon.

Bittersweet Symphony

2005-02-02T02:33:00.000-06:00

Bittersweet Symphony

I've changed the look and feel of my blog to match my current mood and attitude towards life. If you can hear the song playing, let me know by posting a message in the message board. This is strictly an experiment. Let me know if you like it!

English

2005-01-31T20:11:00.000-06:00

English

That's right, English.

It's my new major! I enjoy it, it's easy for me. It will allow me to interact with people, improve my writing, and read the classics (which I have an unhealthy obsession for anyway).

It will also give me entrance into medical school, law school, or allow me to get a Ph.D. in Bloomington.

It's the answer to my problems right now, since I don't know which of the 3 I want.

I also don't have to take anymore spanish! yay!

WHOOHOO!!!!

The Fire Within

2005-01-25T18:40:00.000-06:00

The Fire Within

God keeps telling me there is some great force inside of me. Some monumental task he is preparing me for. There is something very big on this planet that only I am supposed to do. WHAT IS IT!?

For now it lays dorment. When will it awaken? What will be it's catalyst?

The Trail of Tears

2005-01-22T13:10:00.000-06:00

The Trail of Tears

I've been thinking a lot about Native Americans. Of all the races, ethnicities, and sexual orientations here in America, Native Americans really got the worst treatment of all. General Custer would lead his army to slaughter thousands of women and children in helpless indian villages, and then return home and tell stories of "how he overcame tribes of 500 warriors or more". They were pushed out of their lands, given the lands the white men did not want, and told to live in silence. Later, they would be pushed even further west out of those lands, or even killed as we expanded the western frontiers.

When I read about the Native American way of life, it really puts me at ease. The way they would use their surroundings to live in harmony with nature. The way the hunters would stalk their pray, and use every part of it in their daily lives. I like the idea of killing an animal to use it to build clothes, tents, and food. It's kind of a primitive spiritual connection a man can receive with the earth...the invigorating thrill of the hunt. I think leatherworking was really neat too. How they would create so many different things out of the leather they created from the animals they skinned. Tents, clothes, bags, etc. They would use their horns, teeth for jewelry or prestigious furnishings for their homes. It seems like such a harmonious way to live your life to me, it's all very appealing.

I really would enjoy writing a play about the Cherokee Indian tribes, or the Miami Indians (who populated much of what is now Kokomo, Indiana where I live). However, if I wished the play to be seen, it would have to have a christian theme, as my only current outlet is at my church. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to come up with, but I would definately have to introduce the spiritualism of the Cherokee and Miami Indians because it was such a huge part of their everyday lives. This could present some problems, because many people have small minds and are unable to see a bigger picture. The play would incorperate a progression into the christian way of thinking I suppose, but not because of missionaries. More than likely it would be an American soldier fighting along side an Indian soldier, who becomes impressed with the American and wishes to know more of his ways and culture. I say this, because the entire idea of Missionaries more than bothers me. I don't like the idea of a religion being pushed upon someone for food or medical supplies (which is what a lot of them do, if you research it). I think if you're going to believe in a being like God, you must come to do it on your own terms, with a guide to help you with any questions you may have.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts today. Kinda bored at work.

All Good Things...

2005-01-21T22:38:00.000-06:00

All Good Things...

I've been thinking about discontinuing this blog.

It has come to my attention that 99% of all the people I know who own blogs just fill their blogs full of self-righteous, whiner, pity-party, bullcrap about how they're so great, or so bad, or no one understands them. Yuck...people are so narcicistic.

Then it hit me. Perhaps I'm one of these people?

Well...I seem to have gotten much joy and peace of mind out of my blog. It has helped me put many things in perspective, and gain a better understanding of my thoughts and my direction.

Perhaps it's time to end it?

The Call

2005-01-18T16:49:00.000-06:00

The Call

I've been thinking about becoming a music minister. It's been on my mind the last week or so actually. It keeps coming to my attention how much joy I find in music. It's hard for me to find joy in anything anymore, because I think about it so much, which 9 times out of 10 leads me into a deep depression.

I've also realized that I do not have a very strong biblical foundation from which to grow. This is why I enrolled in a "Discipleship" class with my friend Chad Andrews. Already the stuff we've covered has opened my eyes to how little I really know about my faith. It makes me feel really small, and really hipocritical.

Here are my biggest concerns for becoming a better Christian:

1. I probably will be expected to burn all of my classic rock CD's, and listen to nothing but Christian music. Now because I've worked in a Christian music department for 4 years, I know there's some great stuff in that market (Third Day, Audio Adrenaline, DC Talk, Mercy Me), but I also know that none of them give me the same feeling that AC/DC, U2, The Verve, Jeff Buckley, The Darkness, or bands like that do. I love rock, it's in my blood! I think it's because classic rock artists are more guitar driven, and I'm a guitarist. I can't give this stuff up, I just can't! It's so much more than just "music" to me.

2. I almost feel like I'll be contained in a little glass box where everyone can see what I'm doing, and just waits for the chance to peck at me like vultures do a freshly killed antelope.

3. I don't want to be one of those poofy-haired TBN idiots who prophesize to the choir, and seem to forcefully use the word "God" in nearly every sentence that comes out of their cheesy mouths. I hate those people probably more than anyone I can think of.

Here are some reasons why I would want to become a better Christian:

1. To feel connected to myself and the universe, and be spiritually and mentally free.

2. To be able to understand and truly believe in the reason for my existence, which will also allow me much more hapiness.

3. To become a man of God, which will give me a role in my life. More than anything in my life I desire a place of my own, a role in which I can find solace. I think a music minister would be a great role to play in life.

4. To possibly attract the right kind of mate I so desire, a woman of God. A woman of wisdom, virtue, and beauty. If she's musical, well that would be swell too =)

My head kind of hurts, I think i'll stop writing now. I hope God will continue to work in my life like he's working now. For the first time in my life, I can actually feel him pushing me to understand him, and what he has in store for me. Before, I only said I felt him because I thought that was what people wanted to hear. Now I really feel him.

It's like that song I sing in church, "In his time".

He makes all things beautiful in his time...

A Freggin' Tree

2005-01-11T16:04:00.000-06:00

A Freggin' Tree

A freggin tree fell on my house during the ice storm. And of all the lines it could've severed...it chose my phone line, the one I use the most (internet). So that's why I haven't written for so long in my blog (I'm at work right now). Curse you wooden instruments of doom!

That is all.

Sleep!

2005-01-05T03:03:00.000-06:00

Sleep!

I haven't been able to sleep properly in the longest time. I've been troubled with the thought of how much time in my life I've been wasting. I guess...I've been troubled with the thought of all the years I've been breathing, but never been alive. Maybe being a shy, reserved artsy type isn't all it's cracked up to be? Maybe I should be a loud, obnoxious, fun-loving, rock n' roll, live fast die hard kind of guy. I miss being in a band soooo badly.

I was born to raise hell, or prevent it.

I had a lot of fun today. I'm learning to enjoy my friends, and to accept my limitations (though there aren't many, mwahaha). I think...this is allowing me to open my eyes to the true beauties of life. I guess it's part of maturing; part of the wisdom only time can impart upon you.

Oh well, can't be philosophizing at 4 am.

Goodnight!

Sleep, no I never get enough.
Always thinkin' I'm tired.
Sleep, no I never get enough, if I don't wake up I might get fired.
I might get fired...

- Some Christian song I forgot the name of by some dude whom also escapes my mind.

The Burden of Responsibility

2004-12-28T13:04:00.000-06:00

The Burden of Responsibility

My uncle had a talk with me just before Christmas. This man is the steeple of our family, the man who holds us all together, the one whom we all respect, as a person and a businessman, my uncle Robert McNeil. This man grew up with nothing, and today is worth at least a couple million dollars easily. He spent twenty years as a cop on the IPD, and used to own Alcapulco Joe's (a mexican resteraunt), but he sold it. That's not even what makes him the man he is in my eyes. To me, he's a source of infinite wisdom because he doesn't care about money. He loves his family, and values life experiences over all else. He would literally give up all he has for his family in a heartbeat, and that's what makes him an over the top figure in my life.

Well, back to what I was saying, lol

He had a talk with me. He said "Josh, I believe when I'm gone, you're going to be the head of the family. So I have some advice to give you." I was immediately taken aback by what he said (remember, I hold him in the absolute highest of respects). "I want to show you something" he said. He then got on my computer and showed me his stock portfolio. He showed me a medicine company he had invested in the previous day. Apparently everyone had sold their stock in the company because they heard of a lawsuit, and feared a loss. Not him, he bought more. Within a period of 7 hours, he had made over $75,000. "I want you to understand I'm not showing off," he said. "I want you to see that I was willing to take a risk, and it paid off. That's what you have to do in life. Being a good person, and getting an education isn't enough. You have to grab what you want in life, take what's in front of you."

At first I really didn't know what to say to my uncle Bob. He said to me, "You know I'm not good with words, but I wanted you to at least know that much". I was so flattered that an important man like him would take time out to talk to me on a personal basis like that...and to think that he believes I'm the future of the family. It made me very happy, but also very worried.

I hope that I can live up to my uncle Bob's expectations. I'd be happy to become half the man he is.

Inspiration Divine

2004-12-22T23:41:00.000-06:00

Inspiration Divine

The shadows dance, I lay upon this crimson blanket.

I want to create life, to birth anew in a world so melancholy.

God's breath lies in my fingers, it swims in my imagination.

Soon I shall become.

Craig Was Right

2004-12-17T11:59:00.000-06:00

Craig Was Right

A friend of mine at work convinced me of something. If I was to write the book I had mentioned previously, I just might go to hell. Well, here's the thing. I believe he's right.

If I cause the minds of those weaker than me to question their Christian faith because they cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality, then I'd have some answering to do when I get to heaven. In the end, it's not worth it. The book is too close to reality, it's not fantasy enough so to speak.

So I've decided to do what Tolkien did. Create a world all my own, completely from my inner thoughts and research. After I have created this world, I will then create it's story.

Video Games

I love video games. Yeah, I know I'm a nerd, who cares. Maybe my friends and I can start a video game company together! That would be wonderful. Cept then I'd have to count on the talents of others, which I've come to realize is a bad idea...

Oh well, I'd still like to do it.

Life is Short

2004-12-15T01:40:00.000-06:00

Life is short.

I love beautiful women. I love their hair. I love their breath. I love their artful, graceful, silky bodies.

I have it all, except the body. I know this.

It's within my reach.

I shall obtain what is necessary for my happiness.

I've thought long on this. Am I shallow? No. God made me this way. If I am to love that which I so admire, I am to become what I admire myself.

This is my conclusion. Say what you will.

One of those I adore will be mine.

Update

2004-12-11T03:29:00.000-06:00

Update

Lots of new stuff. I've felt kind of odd lately. Be sure to read it all, and let me know what ya think.

Loves Letter

2004-12-11T03:04:00.000-06:00

Love's Letter

The last note turns blue,

The sad song begins to play.

In your heart, in your head,

You feel her walk away.

Another drink, another mile,

It'll surely be better.

Gaze upon the mirrored waters,

Cast aside love's letter.

Stormy Indiana Day

2004-12-11T01:28:00.000-06:00

Stormy Indiana Day

Lye flat, fathom the mauve sky,

As the purple thunder-clouds roll by.

Weighted down with western soil,

No reason for peace, only toil.

Render my flesh, and birth me anew,

Kill my mind, draw me to you.

The organ plays in my head,

And now I'm dead.

Thank you.

Creative Thoughts

2004-12-10T13:15:00.000-06:00

Creative Thoughts

I've been thinking about writing a novel...of the fantasy sort.

Here's the premise, follow me on this one:

A group of midwestern people happen upon a worm hole that takes them into previous incarnations. Here's what I mean by that. The premise of this book will be that when a person dies, they are reincarnated as a person in a different place in time, never progressing past the year 2055. That is to say, that if you or I died right now, we could be born again in the year 1883 AD or 300 BC, etc. Now this group of midwestern people eventually grasp the idea of travelling back and forth between their previous incarnations (the people they have been in the past). They use this knowledge to get answers about the supernatural force behind the whole system. Eventually, they meet with the supernatural force, and either slay it, or strike a deal with it, becoming supernatural forces themselves.

There is a lot to deal with in this book, so it will either be very large, or split up into a series.

I'm going to do a lot of research on the book before I even start writing it. Nothing like this has ever been done before, and I have a feeling I might be on to something here.

Let me know what you think, or if you need me to explain it to you, lol

AIM: CrimsonKingFF

The Watchman

2004-12-10T13:03:00.000-06:00

The Watchman

Fate or chance I float about,

High atop the misty mountain.

Looking down and looking out,

I only see the Watchman.

He lets me know to look again,

And climb upon the peek.

So as to see things clearly then,

And find that which I seek.

** Thought this deserved it's own post

Pt. 2

2004-12-08T01:15:00.000-06:00

I forgot to mention, I've assigned each of the three girls a song that plays inside of my head when I think about them or sometimes even talk to them.

Mary Ladd: "More Than a Feeling" - Boston (Till I see mary anne walk awayyy.....)

Echo Shappell: "With or Without You" - U2 (I picture myself gazing into her eyes in a car on a stormy night, singing this to her. Cheesy? Maybe.)

Victoria Guge: "Jack and Diane" - John Mellencamp (Probably because I relate her to the typical midwestern girl, and this song is all about her)

A Trinity of Loveliness

2004-12-08T01:11:00.000-06:00

A Trinity of Loveliness

Eating at a new Panamanian resteraunt with my Spanish class today, I was once again enchanted by the radiant smile of Mary Ladd. This is a girl who seems soft and kind. The kind who's touch can sooth the wounded soul. I remember her grinning and pointing to a dress decorating the walls. "I would wear that all the time" she said, pointing to a frilly white and green dress near the ceiling. Even the way she ate intrigued me. Her hands are so slender and soft, she held her fork perfectly, but still seperated the onions from her rice. "I really don't like onions" she said. I know these aren't really extrodinarily profound actions, but they are when they come from her. Mary is the kind of girl any mature man would want to have in his life forever.

Later today, I was excited to see a charming and talented temptress (in my case anyway, lol), by the name of Echo Shappell. Echo was a girl I admired all throughout High School for her beauty and grace. She always seemed a very delicate and graceful creature to me, almost like an all-the-time-balarina. She stopped in to check out some books in the Library. We talked about the Channel One News Anchor contest she triumphed in over me during our Senior year in high school. Don't think I can blame them, Echo was way more talented than I. I was still in my akward years, and didn't really talk to a soul. In fact, that's something I told Echo about. She didn't even remember I had graduated with her. I was invisible during highschool...but I think that drove me to be the man I am becoming today.

It's always the nobodies in highschool that eventually outshine the rest. Not that it matters, but it does seem to be like a tried and true formula for success. Want your kid to be successful parents? Make sure he's not noticed in school! That'll give him an unhealthy thirst for revenge via social standing. LOL.

Then there is a girl by the name of Victoria Guge. She is the editor-in-chief of the IUK Correspondent (our campus newspaper). She reminds me of everything a mother and a wife should be, in the traditional sense. I can just see her orating stories to children sitting on a big maroon rug, in front of a fireplace. THey'd all be in their pajamas, and eating milk and cookies. Then she'd exclaim "The End!" and all the children would scuttle off to bed. She's engaged unfortunately. And to a man who cussed me out when I accidentally cut him off in the parking lot in highschool. Fate is a funny creature. It also seems to enjoy screwing me over. Another thing about Victoria, is that she's not over-the-top in any area, but well-rounded. I really like that about her. She's also very lovely.

Take That Brain!

2004-12-05T22:32:00.000-06:00

Take That Brain!

Tonight was the performance of the Christmas play I wrote (with the help of two friends), "We Three Elves". It went extrodinarily well. No matter, at least I got to test my acting, writing, and producing skills all in one fell swoop. Turns out, everyone enjoyed it. One elderly fellow even told me to "take this show on the road", which made me feel pretty good I must admit. I've always had a knack for making people laugh.

But what I really like doing, is making people think. I wonder what type of play or something I could write to bring people into my world of thought (it's a scary place, trust me). Forget a play, I should write an opera!

And now, the existentialist in me screams "What's the point? It all fades, it turns to dust, and glory is not to be received by man. Focus on revenue and family." *sigh*

Stupid brain...

I like art, back off! *drinks a big fat slurpee to freeze brain*

That'll learn ya good brain! BWA HA HAAAA

The Real Adam & Eve

2004-11-23T17:40:00.000-06:00

The Real Adam & Eve

Recently, I've been feeling very alone. Jazz-music-playing-as-a-stranger-walks-slowly-under-a-bridge-on-a-cold-rainy-night type alone. The kind of alone you feel after something really bad happens, you know? Probably because I think way too much about everything, and it brings me down. Sometimes I want to kill my mind, if only for a couple of days.

To ease my tortured brain, I've been reading a book called Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller, my favorite modern author (I usually don't stray from the classics). In one of the chapters, it explains how Adam really, really appreciated Eve. How he had been rigorously tested by God before she was even given to him.

Think about this for a moment:

God did not create Eve at the same time as Adam.
Rather, God created Adam, then said "Go and name the animals".
First off, there are over 50 million species of animals on this planet. Logic tells us that naming these animals would be a huge task, one that would take at least a hundred years or so. All the while, the bible tells us Adam was lonely. So here he is, finding, studying, and naming all these animals for hundreds of years, with a deep hole in his heart, longing for a connecton with someone, because this is the way God created him.

Can you imagine Adam naming all those animals; studying them, wading in the ocean or something counting fish, climbing mountains and counting buffalo? After I thought about this, he kinda seemed like the ultimate nature-hippy type. You know, grateful dead shirt, long scraggly facial hair, and a bird perched atop his his head, chirping Zippadeedooda.

When Adam had completed his task, he slept. God took a rib from him, and formed the companion he had so desperately searched for. I can only imagine the joy he felt in his heart, to wake up next to such an angel. To such a soft, beautiful creature, like himself but different. And Adam appreciated her...you know? This was a man who had probably given up on the feeling of emptiness he had inside, and then to suddenly have this beautiful woman beside him...what joy he must have felt in his heart. I can imagine how excited he was, showing her all the things he had discovered, and named. Hiking up mountains, swimming in the lakes together. He must've been so excited to show her all the things he had done, all the things he had discovered. How beautiful it must've been....how beautiful.

I don't mean to seem all sentimental, but this revelation had to be blogged. Before, the story of Adam and Eve seemed so unrealistic to me. Kind of like cut-out figures on a chalk board during a sunday school lesson.

I know I must build an appreciation for what it is I am to receive. I am thankful God has the foresight to understand and prepare my heart for such a thing. Thank you God for your wisdom, and please, please, let her come sooner than later! :-)

It's vertigo baby!

2004-11-22T19:03:00.000-06:00

Vertigo, Baby!

I'm very excited, because tommorrow U2 comes out with their new CD. You had better believe I'll snatch a copy out of a stock-boy's hands tommorrow at Best Buy. I'm ready to be re-baptized in the electrical blitzkrieg of the Edge's guitar; at the stimulating vocals of Bono; the heart-pounding bass riffs of Adam Clayton, and the awesome thundering drums of Larry Mullen Jr. When I first discovered U2, I had passed a CD called "Best of 1990-2000" and picked it up on a whim. They've changed my life ever since.

Hope I don't sound too much like a groupie, but I really believe in this band. The way their so active in changing the world around them. The way all their songs seem to have some type of special meaning on life in general. They speak to me. They are my Beatles.

They really took the show last saturday on SNL. After a performance like that, I wonder how anyone could follow them. Seems to me an impossible feat. Live in their shadow future SNL musical guests!

Band Days

2004-11-16T21:34:00.000-06:00

Band Days

A moment ago, I was remembering all the fun I had with one of my old bands, God's Alliance. On one of our road trips, I remember crossing over the Kentucky border from Ohio (I think?) just so we could say we had done it. Then one of my friends picked up a rock on the ground for a souvenir (it was funny at the time, trust me). I would say a bunch of stupid stuff about dead man's makeout point, gorditas, or other random things, to which they would all bust a gut. Which was perfectly fine, because we were all just being silly white kids on a road trip. Othertimes we'd try to go to sleep, but our drummer kept farting, or falling out of his cot. Then there was the time that the lead singer kept calling my name in his sleep, and totally freaking me out, lol. Or the time we went to Wal-mart at like 2 am and ran from spanish speaking employees riding floor-buffers, seemingly chasing us through the store, as one of my friends yelled "Let's go bleech the fish!" Oh the stupid pointless times we had.

It's fun being a silly white kid on a road trip.

I don't even want to talk about some of the other bands I was in. I remember SonKissed though *shudder*. Those guys were all a bunch of weirdo's, who wanted complete creative control over stuff that really wasn't all that creative. And who wants to be in a band named after an orange soft drink? Not me, daggone it. I miss the drummer though, he was a cool guy. Hear that Tim Skinner? I know you're probably an accountant by now, but I miss you! Good luck!

Then there's the praise band I'm currently in at my church, "The Mac Daddy Ninja Pirates". Isn't that the coolest name you've ever heard in your life? Of course it is, shut up. It's just me and this other guy though, but we have fun. Hope to add more people soon.

Other bands aren't really even worth mentioning.

Well....just thought it would be fun to reminence for a moment. The semester is almost over, and final exams are rising with the tendrils of dawn. Time for me to buck up, and face the challenge.

BTW, I really miss all you God's Alliance people! God Bless you all!

God on Trial

2004-11-09T03:20:00.000-06:00

God on Trial

"Reality is like fine wine, it doesn't appeal to children."

- Donald Miller

Sitting here upon my cushioned throne, I'm thinking on nothing but the here and now. I've recently read a book by a modern Christian author that's changed my perspective on things. In a chapter, it says the following:

1) There are no set "formulas" for anything in life. Life is far too complicated. To presume one can break them down into "3-step methods" would be a mistake.

2) God is a wonderful being, but using Him as a fall-back for things you don't understand is a cop out. We should try to understand our belief's as much as possible, and not blindly accept things. This is how religious zealots are created.

3) Santa is an imposter, because he takes a leak. (Don't ask)

It's nice when authors touch base with something you've felt, but never been able to put into words. Those who blindly believe and use God as a crutch have long bothered me. Those whom Jesus was the most frustrated with, were those who preached in His name and did not truly know Him. I believe that we should constantly question our faith and seek to understand Him as much as we can. That is not to say that it is possible for us to know everything, we are human...and surely cannot hope to obtain such knowledge. However, it is very unhealthy for us to not pursue questions that shake the very foundations of our core belief system. Here are some things that have always bothered me:

1) Why did God allow Satan to destroy all Job held dear, when Job was such a loyal servant of His?

2) Why do terribly bad things happen to people who've served God all their lives? (May sound trite, but I still haven't gotten a good answer)

3) What is the point of our pitiful, selfish existence here on earth? I understand loving God and family...but everything fades away. What is the point?

4) How can God send millions of good people to hell, simply because they believe in another diety? What if they're good people, and have been raised that way? It's hard for me to believe he would send them to hell. Some of the nicest people I've met in my life were Buddhists.

These are just some musings for me to think about. I'm glad that I'm getting back into literature. I could feel myself dumbing down there for a while. If I'm to be anything at all, I must sharpen my wit as much as possible, whenever possible. I have to cut down on the free time I choose to waste on mindless entertainment.

Curse thee, wretched time-sucking computer games!

Opinions and Polar Bears

2004-11-08T22:42:00.000-06:00

Opinions and Polar Bears

I love polar bears. That's right, polar bears. They're majestic and beautiful, yet powerful and deadly. They represent the Yin and the Yang all in one beautiful animal. They can create, and destroy. They have the innocence of a child, and the brute force of an ogre. I guess I find them fascinating, becauset they're so much like us.

I've been thinking about going into the air force as an officer when I get out of college, as a 2nd Leutenant. I would work in intelligence, and they would pay for my grad school while I served. Sounds like a plan to me. It would require that I sign up for 5 years minumum, and attend OTS (officers training school) during my next 2 summers at college. I would also need to of course attend the mandatory 6 weeks basic training. This is the big issue in the minds of all those who criticize the decision...because they don't think I can make it. My brother, father and grandfather all think I can, and they're the ones who actually served! I would have to dedicate myself to getting into tip top shape, which I know I could do if I tried.

When I set my mind to something, only I can stop me. If you doubt me, get out of my way.

I'll run you over.

Faith

2004-11-03T20:50:00.000-06:00

Faith

I prayed and had those close to me pray for me. The sun came out, and I was renewed.

I feel much better, and things are looking up. I wish I woudn't get in those moods...it only serves to make those around me miserable.

I'm still a little bummed to have not heard anything from LuvyDuvy in a long time. Maybe my letter was too direct. I get a lot of criticism because I'm too direct...maybe I'm just too confident sometimes, and people get annoyed because they aren't. That's what I think =)

The play is looking good, and we had tons of fun tonight acting out all the parts. My school work is all caught up on, and I'm the best darn employee in the Library *grin*. I prayed so hard that God would take the burdens off my shoulders, and he did. He came through.

I'm usually not one to boast on the cheesy "God" stories in my life, but he really did pull through for me this time. Real faith is the most beautiful thing on earth. Thank God for faith =)

Oh yeah...write in my message box! PUNKS!

Really Bad Day

2004-11-02T01:39:00.000-06:00

Really Bad Day

I had a terrible day today. An awful day, just rotten in every way. One of those days you just want to board up your house, and live in exile for the rest of your days.

As I sit here smoking my pipe...I'm staring at the burning tabacco. Our lives are like this tabacco ya know. We're pleasent smelling to some, and to others we're repulsive. We look harmless enough on the outside...and inside we're rotting away. Slowly burning to a finish...in the bottom of my pipe bowl. The last puff of smoke dissapears into the air.

How can a man like me, who only wants to do what is right...what is good; whom only wants to love and be loved, be hated by anyone on God's green earth? How can a man like me, question my very existence from day to day, if I am supposed to be so faithful?

I know I am 21 yrs old...that this is supposed to be yet another passing phase. I grow tired, I grow weary. I'm exhausted, and I want to rest. Life is beating me down, and it's harder for me to get up anymore. The world don't stop....there is not time for cracking up, believe me friend.

For every step I make, it seems I'm being pushed back three. For every accomplishment, four more obstacles are laid upon my dimly lit path, to which I see no end.

Sorry if I sound forcedly shakespearian...it's just the way I feel tonight. I don't know where I'm headed, and there are too many possibilities. I'm scared. I'm very scared...and it feels like I've no one to be scared with.

Have I killed my emotions?

Are they dead?

Pic

2004-10-31T18:51:00.000-06:00

Pic

Friend took a pic of me the other day. Thought I'd post it, for those of you who don't know what I look like.

Accomplished

2004-10-31T01:00:00.000-05:00

Accomplished

I've gotten a lot done this weekend. I finally feel like I'm catching up with everything. The world don't stop...there is not time for cracking up...ya know?

Anyway, we've finished the draft of the Christmas Play for my church. It's a comedy/action play called "We Three Elves".

Click Here to read it.

Good Friends

2004-10-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

Good Friends

Lots of stuff has happened since my last post. My brother went AWOL, and is now in jail awaiting trial, where he will probably be found guilty of possession and other things, ensuring him a dishonorable discharge from the US Army.

My car was broken into, and everything was stolen from it. Car seat covers, cd player, cd's...they even took my heating unit. *sigh*

I've been stressed to the max with my spanish and public relations classes (mainly spanish).

Tonight at church, I was requested by our youth pastor to perform two specific songs, "Hands and Feet" and "Look What You've Done For Me". After I did those songs, we went on a brief trip, where our youth pastor took us to a corn field. He explained the farmer couldn't bring in his crops because of illness, but the community helped him that year because they cared for him so much.

When we arrived back at church, Pastor Dave called me up to the front, and washed me feet as a sign of humility (like Jesus did in the bible). It was weird, but I understood the symbolicism, so it was ok. He then read a long list of all the things I had done for the church (which was very lengthy, to my suprise). He talked about how I am stressed out right now, but always find time to do things within the church. I was embarrassed, but he read this huge list of all the things i've done in just the last three weeks, then had all the other youth and adults say to me what I meant to them. It was embarrassing at the time, but when I got home, it hit me how lucky I am to have people who care for me like that. I even cried a little bit, but I'll never admit that in person (so don't ask me).

He also informed me they were going to replace everything that was stolen in my car, and make it even better than it was before. Actually he said he'd "pimp my ride" lol.

I'm a lucky guy to have people who care about me so much. I thank God for them .

Brief Note

2004-10-18T18:17:00.000-05:00

Brief Note

I've completely revamped the blog!

Post your reactions on the message board.

To: LuvyDuvy

2004-10-18T17:32:00.000-05:00

Dear LuvyDuvy,

You've commanded my thoughts for sometime now. I've always enjoyed a good mystery, and you certainly are one. Since this blog has become sort of a soap opera (as two of it's readers affectionately referred to it), I feel the need to address one of it's main stars (you).
First off, let me state what I know of you so far. You are obviously intelligent, and have a firm grasp of the english language. I know that you've got a crush on me, but I'm pretty sure that's all it could be, if we do not know each other. You mentioned that I met you on Cinco De Mayo, and that you had something to do with my spanish class. As to the 5th of May, I've racked my brain and come up short; I can't think of anyone I met for the first time on that day. Then again, I've a terrible memory. As to my spanish class, I've gone back and forth debating wether or not you meant you're actually in my spanish class, or have something to do with my spanish class. Either way, this still does not help me figure out who you are. You also mentioned I had met you in Wal-mart. Seeing as I did not recognize anyone I knew in Wal-mart that night, this clue also leaves me at a loss.
I want you to know that these games are toying with a very sensative part of me; my heart. There is a girl in my Spanish class that I would give the world to be with, and if you're her, then that would be one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. In the event that you're not, then you're merely setting us both up for dissapointment. I've been hurt many times in my life, and have just now begun to tear down the walls of pain that keep love out. I cannot afford to have those walls raised once more.
So I have come to this conclusion, LuvyDuvy. If you really love me like you say you do, then you'll realize that this is hurting more than helping, and reveal who you are. I promise, nothing bad will come of it. If you do not wish to reveal who you are in person, then you can email me at josh@joshking.net.

Sincerely,

Joshua King

Military Man

2004-10-16T16:28:00.000-05:00

Military Man

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood today. I remember how different it felt from how I do now. Everything was surreal...it was cloudy but there. It's a weird feeling.

The military, how I miss the military life. I miss all the tiny details of military life that I took for granted. The way that we all had the same amount of money, and went through the same things. The way that we had to stand up in the base theaters for the National Anthem before every single movie. The way that we all had to stand completely still whenever Taps played over the base speaker system.

And now I am remembering the new recruits, jogging down my street, singing caidens led by a DI, as I waited patiently for the bus to take my brother and I to school. I remember...my father in his Marine Corps dress blues, standing so tall and proud, performing in ceremonies for generals and base commanders.

I remember the fire that burned inside me, as I listened to the fanfare of the marine corps band in the military shopping plaza. I remember feeling like a part of something bigger than myself...something world changing. Even if I was only the son of a Gunnary Sargeant, it felt so good to me.

I really miss the military, and I really do love my father. Even if he has made mistakes in the past, I'll always be proud to call him dad.

Hah, now it sounds like I should go in the military. Truth is, I'd love to, if I didn't have asthma. Ugh, I hate even reading that, because it sounds like I'm a weakling.

I guess I'll just have to be strong in a different way. I'll always have the military in my heart.

On Love

2004-10-15T23:51:00.000-05:00

On Love

It's that special feeling. Sounds cheesy right? I always thought so.
Now I don't.
It's real, and I felt it once or twice.

I'm talking about love of course. It's not perfect, and it's not necessarily something you work at your whole life. It really is just something that's there.

My mother tells me, that whenever I count the moments until I see her again; whenever all I can think about becomes her; then she'll be the one. I believe that now, I really do.

I also have a hard time believing that there is only one person for everyone. Maybe this is true...maybe it is written in the stars. But, I've met so many women I'm sure I could love for the rest of my life. I'm sure i've felt that feeling with more than one woman. Maybe the beach boys have it right:

Two girls for every boy?

Sorry, felt like rambling tonight. My latest posts haven't been so intelligent...but I need to turn off my brain at the end of the day now, in order to not die of exhaustion.

MAKE THE PAPERS STOP! AHH! *explodes*

Winding Down

2004-10-14T11:33:00.000-05:00

Winding Down

A lot of stress has been taken off my shoulders as of late. I've completed most of the assignments for my Public Relations class ahead of time, and they should be published shortly (Tribune, Correspondent, etc). I'm very excited to see them.

The church powerpoint project is complete. Now it is up to me to create song files for every song we use in church *sigh*. It's the Lord's work though, I don't mind. I only have to do it once anyway, it's not that big a deal.

My Spanish and Calculus classes are stressin' me out still, but I've resolved that it's ok. I don't need an A+ in every class...i'll just have to settle for a B or C+ *sigh*. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I have difficulty in anything, you know? I like to be the best at whatever I do....conquer anything I take on. I'm sure I could conquer those classes if I had more time to study, but I don't, so I won't *yet another sigh*.

I've been making a lot of new friends lately, especially of the female sort. I don't know what happened all of the sudden, but it's like now they recognize I'm alive and want to know me personally. It's a strange feeling for someone who grew up a shy little asthmatic, completely removed from society. I'll take these new situations as they come, and try not to let them affect me in any negative way. I refuse to become a social vampire. I'd much rather stay a dorky, musical, bookworm.

Apparently I was spotted at Wal-mart by my secret admirer (can I say that?) the other day. I don't recollect seeing anyone I knew, so I'm still at a loss as to who LuvyDuvy might be. It's ok, time reveals all.

Well, time to go to El Clase de Espanol.

Meaningful Conversation

2004-10-11T03:14:00.000-05:00

Meaningful Conversation

Someone [2:08 AM]: josh life isnt about fun and games...ppl do struggle together and that is why they grow

Someone [2:08 AM]: if we didnt have someone to cling to..it would be so much harder

Someone [2:08 AM]: we are each beings...with only one wing....and we need each other...to fly

Someone [2:08 AM]: every human in history

This tore down a wall

SolanFF [2:10 AM]: My family
SolanFF [2:10 AM]: My friends
SolanFF [2:10 AM]: Myself
SolanFF [2:10 AM]: Everyone expects me to be some great man or something
Someone [2:10 AM]: josh everyone adores you...you listen to the lies in your head
Someone [2:10 AM]: YOU think you have to be that...it is pride...
Someone [2:10 AM]: you can be what God wants you to be
Someone [2:10 AM]: and it's ok
Someone [2:10 AM]: everyone will still love you
Someone [2:11 AM]: your mom and abby will still adore you
Someone [2:11 AM]: your grandparents will still brag on you
Someone [2:11 AM]: all your church friends will still confide in you
Someone [2:11 AM]: and i will still look up to you
SolanFF [2:11 AM]: wow
Someone [2:12 AM]: what?
SolanFF [2:12 AM]: no one's ever said that to me before...
Someone [2:12 AM]: i know it to be true josh

Muy Divertido

2004-10-06T22:14:00.000-05:00

Muy Divertido

A lot has been happening in my life lately.

I'm becoming a strong-minded leader type, and I like this. At the same time, it's becoming easier for me to clear my mind and form thoughts. This could be due to the fact that I just got my glasses, and I can see everything very clearly now (maybe because the headaches are gone? lol).

I'm getting very excited about the prospect of this band, and I can't wait to get started.

I'm stressed to the max about school. I'm doing really well, in fact I'm the top in all my classes except one (Spanish). The other day I seriously considered dropping out of college, getting married, and pursuing a life in music full-time. I came to the conclusion that I'd never be able to live with myself if I did that, so it's out of the question now. Besides, jobs are horrible and you always have to be one-up in order to survive.

If there are any cute, traditional, family-oriented girls out there, would you please contact me so that I can marry you and live happily ever after? I'm dying here....can't find anyone worth keeping....ugh....

So much on my mind. Hope it all goes away. I just want to make music, love, and roasted chicken. *sigh*

Wake Up Dead Man

2004-10-03T01:02:00.000-05:00

Wake Up Dead Man

Jesus, Jesus help me.
I'm alone in this world...and a messed up world it is too...

Tell me, tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all gonna be.

Wake up! Wake up dead man!
Wake up! Wake up dead man!

Jesus, I'm waiting here pops. I know you're looking out for us.
But maybe your hands aren't free?

My Father, he made the world in 7.
He's in charge of heaven. So will you put a word in for me?

Wake up! Wake up dead man!

- Wake Up Dead Man, U2

I think this song accurately captures my emotions as of right now.

Goodnight.

Musically Speaking

2004-10-02T01:49:00.000-05:00

Musically Speaking

I'm growing ancy, musically speaking. I haven't been in a real band in a while and I'm starting to get the "itch".

I'm thinking about starting another band in January. A Christian band, but relevant and non-cheesy (like Third Day, DC Talk or Audio Adrenaline). If I'm going to do this, then I'd need to work on getting some songs down until then. Well, now I've done it. I've talked myself into it. I'll do it!

There is a club here called "The Roots". It's run by Lee Taylor, Drew Taylor's brother (who used to play sax with me in God's Alliance). I'll plan our first performance there.

I've been at church all night. We revamped the sound system, and rearranged the stage. I also had to lift a piano from the pastor's (my uncle) house to the church. Wasn't fun. My family was there though, and we sang and played music all night while we worked. I love my family. Abby was especially sweet tonight. She's sweet even when she's mean, haha.

Really getting back into music! Gotta brush up on my chops, got a bit rusty I think.

Who is this LuvyDuvy? It's driving me nuts!

I Will See You Again

2004-10-01T01:29:00.000-05:00

I Will See You Again

Had to say goodbye to a friend today. Our lives were merely complicating one anothers, so it was for the best. We're moving in such different paths...it was only logical.

I'm getting back into music again. I've got a renewed sense of vitality in it's presence as of late...it reminds me of the awesome responsibility that comes with the gift God has blessed me with. I've truly got to use it, or squander it forever. I'm not using my potential, I feel like such a slacker, even though I know I'm always busy. Why do I feel like I have to keep pushing? It's killing me.

U2 is coming out with a new album called "How to Dismantle an Atom Bomb" which is already being hailed as their greatest album to date. Bono says "It's our first rock album". That makes me feel really good about it, and I cannot wait to get my hands on it.

My current love interest broke my heart when she informed me she had to go to an interview tommorrow in Alabama with some private college. Why do all the good ones get married or go right off? Ugh...

God has a plan Josh, God has a plan...

Falling For Fall

2004-09-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

Falling For Fall

I love this time of year. When the leaves turn their respective fall colors, and Delphos street seems like an orange and yellow tunnel of trees. It reminds me of when we would come home on leave, from wherever our family was living at the time (throw a dart at a map). I knew I'd see my grandmother running out to the car to greet us, while my grandpa sat on the porch in the white swing with a huge smile on his face. I'll never forget how they made me feel. I love them so very much.

As for the play, it was very interesting. It didn't quite capture the essence the movie had for me though. The woman who played Elizabeth Bennet was beautiful, but a bit more bubbly than I had hoped. I wanted the shy and restrained Elizabeth, that's the one I love. It was good all the same.

Well, college work is stressing me out. Sometimes I seriously consider quitting, just to start my life. Then I remember that that's a cop out, and would be too easy. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. I've got a hard news press release due next monday, to be released in the IUK Newspaper (The Correspondent). It was just given to us today. This teacher is very unreasonable, and seems to enjoy my pain. Ironically, I'm her favorite student for some reason. Guess it's cause I put up with her madness without too much struggle. Oh well.

On top of all this, I'm writing, directing, and starring in the church Christmas play this year. I have help, but it still feels like the burden is all falling on me. I asked for it though, so I can't complain. I enjoy pushing myself to become a better writer, that much is true.

Sorry I haven't posted much lately, I've been too busy. I'll try to be more consistent with my posts.

Life's An Ocean

2004-09-26T01:49:00.000-05:00

Life's An Ocean

Do people like me for reasons I don't understand? I get paranoid about this sometimes. It feels like...they're only around me because I'm fun to analyze or listen to. My deepest fear is being told (and realizing) that nobody actually takes me seriously, and everyone is only my friend because they find me comically ignorant; that my admirations and goals are fun to pick at because they know I have no chance of reaching them.
I tremble at the thought...it truly is my deepest fear. Do people even respect me outside of my jokes, nominal talents, and adaptability? Wow, that's a horrible thing for me to think about.

On a lighter note, I'm going to see Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice tommorrow in Indianapolis at the IRT. I've decided to drive my mustang, so let's hope It doesn't blow up (among other hopes).

I figured out how to use my Camcorder in conjunctions with my new eMachines notebook. It amazes me the power I have at my fingertips now. If I wanted, I could write, produce, edit, and act in a movie all my own. With my music editing software, I can even produce the soundtrack! Sometimes technology is amazing. I'm lucky to have the school funds at my disposal to spend on such magnificent toys.

I'll leave with a lyric from The Verve's song "Life's An Ocean" that's been ringing in my head all day:

"Imagine the future woke up with a scream. I was buying some feelings from a vending machine."

They Just Don't Get It

2004-09-25T01:21:00.000-05:00

They Just Don't Get It

I've been feeling really fulfilled, with a sense of purpose lately.

However, some of my friends think I'm changing for the worst apparently. I received an e-mail from one of my better friends saying I was looking past the "already huge piles of sucesses and accomplishments I had achieved". She further stated I was focusing on the things of this world rather than those of God.

Could it possibly be that I'm growing up and it scares them? I'm still the same Josh, but with different values. God and family have always been the number one things in my life, anyone who knows me understands this to be true. Those things will never change.

However, is it wrong for me to want to continually push myself to become a better person? To set a precedent for those to come? I aspire to become a role model for the thinking Christian, like C.S. Lewis or Ken Ham.

I suppose I don't have much more to say, except that I'm really happy right now, but wish my friends would accept that I'm a bit different. Perhaps they'll come to this realization soon (if only for my sake).

Love, Politics, and Criminal Justice

2004-09-22T01:05:00.000-05:00

Love, Politics, and Criminal Justice

I'm Completely in Love!

With whom? A classic beauty, who goes by the name Elizabeth Bennet. I find no flaw in her, and see the universe in her eyes. Those long black locks, deep brown eyes, fair skin...that wit and wisdom...I should think I might go mad dwelling on her beauty for too long. I can see her now in a long white gown, picking flowers in her father's garden somewhere in England. Unfortunately, she's only fictional. She's a character in Jane Austen's novel, Pride and Prejudice. How I wish she was real. We're studying the novel/play in my Communicating in Public course at IUK. I wonder if I'll ever find my Elizabeth Bennet...not everyone finds their true love. What a depressing revelation....shut up brain!

Politically Speaking

I've been thinking on politics lately. It is true that I believe it to be a nasty, dirty, power-for-power business. Does this mean I should abandon it all-together, or try and change it? In a recent assessment of my nature, I found that I enjoy daunting tasks (i.e. the impossible). Thus, I shall enter the political world as a Republican and begin to fight something I believe is destroying America...Liberalism. Why not? It's fun after-all. I'll just have to be careful not to switch sides, and become a scumbag like the rest of them.

Viva Los Law School!

I'm going to law school and switching my major to Criminal Justice. No more Kerry-esque flip flopping. I've made this decision after considering many things, and I'm ready to live with the consequences. Prestige is important to me. I do wish to command respect (who doesn't)? I don't necessarily need power, but I do need importance and practicality. I believe becoming a J.D. can help me achieve these things as well as never having to question job security, and being able to provide for my family. I'm through, no more switching.

Classic Literature & Spirits

2004-09-21T01:47:00.000-05:00

Classic Literature & Spirits

I'm becoming obsessed with classic literature. The other day I was reading about a fellow named Miguel de Cervantes, who's works include the famous Don Quixote. Apparently he lost use of his left arm when it was shot whilst he defended the Queen of Spain (16th century I believe it was). He said it was merely wounded for the further glory of the right. What a noble way to look at things. On top of this, he spent nearly half of his life in prison, for one reason or another (usually inolving money).

Then there's Dante. He lived in 13th century Italy I believe, and his works include the Divine Comedies and the Inferno, in which he depicts a mans descention into the 9 circles of hell, guided by Virgil (a Greek writer during the time of Homer, who's most famous book was The Aenead, who also wrote tons about the underworld, quite graphic in nature).

You know...I don't believe that reincarnation is feasable, but sometimes I think there are spirits inside of me. Spirits that make up my interests and talents. Spirits that cause me to understand and long for the past, spirits that help me to understand and enjoy music, spirits that help me with all the skillsets I've acquired basically. It's a strange thing to feel really, but I'm just too silly. Too imaginative for my own good.

Anyway, I have lots of work to do tommorrow. I'm on campus for 12 straight hours *sigh*

Better get to bed, I'll philosophize another night.....

*snooze*

Brief Insight

2004-09-20T01:09:00.001-05:00

Brief Insight

What's going on with me! I thought I wanted to go to med school just the other day. Now I'm thinking upon law school. What is it that drives me to pursue a higher education, spefically the medical or law route? I have come up with some possible, and honest reasons for this.

1. Because I'm unsure of my future, and wish to go into a field I feel has job security.

2. I personally, respect Physicians and Lawyers more than any other profession.

3. It's possible I only equate my accomplishments, and skills with who I am, and what I'm worth as a human being. This is something I know I've struggled with since I was a kid. Being the older, yet submissive brother, with asthma who was forced to sit in the shadows and watch others have their fun...more than likely created an unhealthy drive for something spectacular in my lifes story.

4. I have an undeniable desire to win the hearts and minds of everyone I meet. Perhaps I feel I can accomplish this impossible task, by obtaining societies approval. Silly, right?

5. I do have an overwhelming desire to help and interact with people on a day to day basis. I know that I cannot spend the rest of my life staring at a computer screen...my heart will not allow me to so.

All these things I must consider and factor into my graduate school desicion making process. Heck, it even factors into my bachelors degree. Ugh....so much to think about.

Paging Dr. King?

The court summons Joshua King, J.D.?

*brain explodes*

Audio Rambling # 1

2004-09-18T03:10:00.000-05:00

Some Thoughts

2004-09-18T01:25:00.000-05:00

Some Thoughts

Today was a bit of a haze. The world around me has become demystified, and I don't like that one bit. I can see the smoke and mirrors, and the world fools me no longer.

This recent weird, yet evident revelation has caused me to question my choice of studies. Computers? What pitiful, time-wasting machines. It is no longer my wish to spend the rest of my life in front of one, or teaching them to others. Man was not made to stare at pretty pictures, organize data, or program new types of distractions. Perhaps I'll study medicine.

I feel now that I'm capable of a true, loving relationship. Before, I don't think I could understand or grasp just what that meant. It's all a bit clearer now. It's a huge sacrifice, but it's the ultimate act of romance...it's artistic, it's selfless...it's wonderful.

I noticed that I have no problem saying what I mean to whoever I need to now. Life is far to short to imagine things happening, when you have the power to make those things happen.

Why is it that I've taken such a keen interest in reading as of late? Why is it that I can't seem to stray from Classic Western World Literature? God help me, I just might become an even bigger nerd.

Music? Bah...what about it. I'll tell you about music! Music is wonderful, yes it is. But much like life, it too is mostly smoke and mirrors. Few musicians can create a true feeling or thought in their songs. I suppose I have a depressed outlook on this though, because I cannot stand 99% of the music my generation has produced.

I'm currently obsessed with the song "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers. Jacob Dylan has a wonderful voice, and his lyrics ring true. I don't care if his eleveation to fame came about because of his father, the man definately stands on his own. God bless true musicians.

Audio Post 1

2004-09-16T02:59:00.000-05:00

Alpha

2004-09-16T01:27:00.000-05:00

Alpha

I've decided to keep an online stream-of-conciousness journal, apparently called a "blog". The idea that millions of people the world over can post their thoughts, emotions, and deepest secrets online for all the world to see...is a very intriguing concept to say the least. I will do my best to be completely honest with myself and others in this "blog" which I have deemed Incoherent Babylon.

It is my belief this shall help me better understand myself, and how I feel at different points in my life. I am also pleased with the fact that my thoughts can be viewed by anyone the world over, which appeals to the exhibitionist in us all doesn't it?

Here's to a great thing.